Hailey Paige Magee, writes “In order to break the people pleasing pattern, we must learn how to sit with discomfort instead of reacting to it, including:
- The discomfort of others being unhappy with us.
- The discomfort of letting others handle their own problems instead of rushing to fix them.
- The discomfort of having difficult conversations & setting tough boundaries.
- The discomfort that comes when we realise others’ happiness isn’t our responsibility but our own happiness is.” Thank you Hailey.
This is why so many people fail to set boundaries. Setting boundaries is often confused with rudeness and selfishness, but that is because we are often stuck in people-pleasing mode, OR we think we have to set boundaries angrily. We can set boundaries kindly and firmly. When we have clear boundaries and we are CONSISTENT in keeping them in place, the result is that people tell us that we are a pleasure to deal with because everybody knows where they stand.
Being brutally honest is also not the answer – we never have to be brutal – we just have to be honest and we can do that kindly.
If we fail to set boundaries and if we fail to keep them in place, we are out of integrity with ourselves. If we set our boundaries firmly and kindly, it will still make some people uncomfortable because they interpret those boundaries as a reflection on them – but that is not the case. Our boundaries are ours and have nothing to do with the consciousness or behaviour of others. People soon get used to boundary setting if we are consistent and kind about our boundaries and we do not lose our shit when people transgress those boundaries.
Let me give you an example: I was recently in the company of a woman who constantly bemoans her lot about her husband. I do not believe for a second that she means what she says about him, but I do believe she has fallen into the habit that some woman have gotten stuck in – they moan about their spouses. As she began, I simply said, “We are not going to moan about our partners today.” I kept my voice steady and kind. She looked confused for a second and tried again to say something inappropriate about her husband and I just repeated my statement kindly, yet firmly and changed the subject. I set my boundary in place because I do not want to be in the company of people who constantly moan about their spouses – it does not serve anyone, and it just makes me feel bad. If I let that slide, I would be out of integrity with myself – and that is not okay with me.
It is when we lose our shit, make sarcastic comments, or get belligerent, when people transgress our boundaries, that we cause and ignite conflict and feelings of resentment and even shame or embarrassment. A simple, kind reminder that boundaries are being transgressed is enough – and we should do that every time our boundaries are transgressed.
Also take care not to whine when your boundaries are being transgressed. That also defeats the objective.